There has never been a time when I haven't hated my body. My family definitely is one of body shame and I also had a bad experience involving the body when I was young and I guess it scarred me. Mainly I hate my weight though (I've hit a disgusting plateau these past few months, even though I also am an excessive-exerciser, and it's making my hatred of my weight all the worse). Deep down something tells me that even though being all bones won't solve my issues it just might make them better to deal with (starving brings with it the constant pain, the permanent self-punishment, the paranoia, the bruising, the weight loss, etc., and while I'm now EDNOS, and thus mixing my starving with other messed-up eating behavior, I still have the same weight goal and the same hope that it will help me with at least something).
I've never understood why people don't shun me. People think I'm nice for some reason (kindness is Jesus and I'm not Him, so I'm evil, but no one believes I'm not good so I just keep it to myself and change the topic when they bring it up), but why should my personality make things easy for me? I'm fat and I take up extra space, thus I'm selfish.
I try to be okay with my body, and I am so thankful for all it can do, but I'm mad at myself for being huge (I'm tall as well, so I look like a giant). My brother is the only person who tells me I'm fat and who calls me evil (this hurts, because I always try to build him up and because my worst fear is being evil, but he's still right), but I deserve for everyone else to know I'm awful, too. I know how wicked I am and I don't understand why no one else is willing to see it. It's sweet of people to be kind to me, but they really should call me out for being the scum I am.
Does this make sense? I have a lot of guilt issues and every time someone tells me I'm good I feel all the guiltier, and I feel like the fat on me is proof of my sins. I despise myself and I feel like people being unwilling to shun me or to be mean to me is some sort of sick punishment for having been born bad. Isn't it right to hate myself for being fat though (I don't know, it just makes sense to me)?
Thank you for your time.
Just to be clear, I only feel this way about myself. I was told about Jesus being in everyone when I was little and I believe that and see that in others; this post is only about my self-hate and I in no way feel this way about others. I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have I'll delete this, and I'm really sorry. Thank you again.
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